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OUR OFFICIAL DEMO RECORDINGS ARE HERE!

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a magical madcap musical comedy

Music & Lyrics by Michael Garin

Book by Mardie Millit

Inspired by the book Mary Astor's Purple Diary by Edward Sorel

Director/Show Sherpa: Carl Andress

Musical Director/Arranger: Lon Hoyt

Demo Producer: Stuart Allyn

Engineer: John Kilgore

Recorded at John Kilgore Studios, NYC 

CONTACT: Michael Garin
(917) 345-6781

michaelgarinnyc@gmail.com

CAST:

Kate Baldwin (Mary Astor)

Max Crumm (Ed Sorel)

Edward Juvier (William Harrison Hays/Alexander Woollcott/Ensemble)

Mardie Millit (Ruth Chatterton/Florabel Muir/Dorothy Parker/Edna Ferber/Ensemble)

Michael Garin (Sam Goldwyn/Moss Hart/Ensemble)

Billy Stritch, piano and Ensemble on "Trial of the Century"

Lon Hoyt, piano

Conrad Korsch, bass

John Miller, bass on "That's Not Me, That's Him"

Mary Astor's Purple Diary is a musical fairy tale for adults, inspired by Edward Sorel's best-selling book of the same name. It's a fizzy little cocktail of a musical about a Hollywood sex scandal, love, obsession, growing up, and the media's role in celebrity culture, with a bit of magic along the way. 

The real "Purple Diary" was the biggest sex scandal of 1936 — a post-divorce custody battle between a sexually liberated female Hollywood star, Mary Astor, and her controlling ex-husband. Our hero, Ed, an illustrator, becomes obsessed with the star and her seemingly glamorous life. Things heat up when Mary herself magically appears to set things straight. It takes a whole gaggle of Old Hollywood names, Broadway playwrights, and half of the Algonquin Round Table to answer the question: "Why did she write it all down?"

That said — here's Ed!

All illustrations © Edward Sorel

Ed with Papers.png
TWO WAYS TO LISTEN

Stream or download the whole album below, or scroll down to play songs individually while you follow along with lyrics and notes.

A copy of the full libretto (script and lyrics) can be obtained by contacting Michael Garin at michaelgarinnyc@gmail.com or 917-345-6781.

"The Trial of the Century" — It's the opening number!

1. The Trial of the Century - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryEnsemble (Billy Stritch, Michael Garin, Mardie Millit)
00:00 / 02:22

ENSEMBLE

THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY
IN NINETEEN THIRTY-SIX
HOLLYWOOD
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX
(LOTS OF SEX)

A BATTLE OVER CUSTODY
WITH LOTS OF DIRTY TRICKS
CUSTODY
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX
(LOTS OF SEX)

BUT WHO COULD IMAGINE
THIRTY YEARS LATER
BENEATH A MANHATTAN
KITCHEN FLOOR
LINOLEUM
BEING REPLACED
WILL THE FLOOR
BECOME THE DOOR

THE DOOR THAT
UNLOCKS BOTH
TIME AND SPACE
AND HEY
WE LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE
WITH THE PLACE
CONFUSING
YOU BET
AND A BIT BIZARRE
AND OH BY THE WAY
THERE'S A REAL COOL BAR

 

ENSEMBLE MEMBER 1

(LOTS OF SEX!)

ENSEMBLE MEMBER 2

(spoken)

Not yet!

(DANCE BREAK)

 

THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY
(UNTIL THERE IS ANOTHER)
HOLLYWOOD
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF

 

EM 2

(spoken)

Now!

 

EM 1

LOTS OF SEX!


BUT BACK IN OLD MANHATTAN
THE MANHATTAN OF THE FUTURE
AN ARTIST WITH
SELF DOUBT
ON HIS MIND

MANHATTAN
AN ARTIST
SELF DOUBT
DID YOU REALLY THINK
THERE'S ANY OTHER KIND

HE NEEDS TO FIND HIS WAY
AND SHE NEEDS TO KEEP HER DAUGHTER
CAN PHYSICS AND LOGIC
GO HAVE COFFEE
FOR AT LEAST
HOUR AND A QUARTER

THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY
A MODERN ILLUSTRATOR
ADDING TO THE CHAOS
THAT'S
SURE TO VEX
PAST AND PRESENT
SPINNING LIKE A
ROLODEX
ATOP THE VOWEL OF LIFE
LIKE A BAWDY
CIRCUMFLEX

AND LOTS AND LOTS
AND LOTS AND LOTS
AND LOTS AND LOTS
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX
THAT SAID

 

HERE'S ED

“Eddie Schwartz” and “Lucile Vasconcellos Langhanke” — Ed and Mary tell the stories of their name changes. 

(These two songs will be sung separately and then as a counterpoint duet.)

2. Eddie Schwartz from the Bronx - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryMax Crumm
00:00 / 01:47

ED

EDDIE SCHWARTZ
FROM THE BRONX
DREAMING
DRAWING
SHAPES ON A SHIRT BOARD
MAKING A FACE
EDDIE SCHWARTZ
FROM THE BRONX
DREAMING
SCHEMING
ALL OF MY WORK
ALL OVER THE PLACE

IN NEWSPAPERS
MAGAZINES
ALL WILL ATTEST
TO ILLUSTRIOUS
ILLUSTRATOR
ED
THE BEST

EDDIE SCHWARTZ
FROM THE BRONX
LUNCH AT LUCHOW’S
DINE AT DELMONICO’S
DAZZLING FANS
EDDIE SCHWARTZ
FROM THE BRONX
HAD A FATHER
WHO HAD OTHER PLANS

YOU HAVE NO TALENT
YOU’RE WORTHLESS
A BOY GETTING KICKED IN THE SOUL
A FATHER DESTROYING
THE HOPE OF A SON
HOW COULD HE TAKE BACK CONTROL

YOU’RE ONLY AS GOOD AS
YOUR NAME THEY SAY
AND CRUSHING A DREAM
HAS A PRICE TO PAY
SO THE SCHWARTZ
I ABORTZ
AND THE WORLD
I CAN TELL
TODAY
I AM A MAN
NAMED EDWARD SOREL

EDDIE SCHWARTZ
FROM THE BRONX
DOESN’T LIVE HERE
DOESN’T SOUND FAMILIAR
WHERE COULD HE BE
EDDIE SCHWARTZ
FROM THE BRONX
EDDIE SCHWARTZ
FROM THE BRONX
ONCE UPON A TIME
HE WAS ME

3. Lucile Vasconcellos Langhanke - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryKate Baldwin
00:00 / 02:34
ED

And you — I remember reading that someone in Hollywood gave you the name Mary Astor.

 

MARY

 

It was New York, but yes. Because it sounded upper crust.

 

ED

 

Your real name was…something long…and terrible.

MARY
LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

WOULDN'T FIT

ON A MOVIE

MARQUEE

LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

ONCE UPON A TIME

SHE WAS

ME

TILL SOMEBODY

SOMEWHERE

SAW SOMETHING

IN ME

LIKE RUBES

AT A CARNY

THEY ALL TRY

TO WIN ME

LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

WHAT IS SHE DOING 

TONIGHT

LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

GEE I HOPE

SHE'S ALL

RIGHT

IS SHE SETTING

THE TABLE

FOR DINNER 

IS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS

ALMOST HOME

HAVE THE TWINS

WASHED THEIR 

HANDS AFTER

PLAYING OUTSIDE

IN THIS HER DECREED

PLEASURE DOME

NORMALCY SEEMS

EXOTIC

WHEN SEEN

FROM THE HOLLYWOOD

HILLS

SOMEHOW IT'S

COMICAL

THIS FATE

ANATOMICAL

LEAVES ME

LONGING FOR

EVERYDAY THRILLS

LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

NEVER FIT

ON A MOVIE

MARQUEE

LUCILE VASCONCELLOS LANGHANKE

ONCE UPON A TIME

SHE WAS

ME

Mary True Story.png

"He Called Me Goopher" — Mary sings about her first love, John Barrymore.

4. He Called Me Goopher - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryKate Baldwin
00:00 / 02:10

MARY:

HE MADE ME FEEL 

SMART

WHICH MADE ME FEEL 

PRETTY

AND THE MEMORY

MAKES ME WINCE

NO ONE CARED 

WHAT I

THOUGHT BEFORE

AND HARDLY 

ANYONE SINCE

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

HE LISTENED 

TO WHAT I SAID

AND WHAT I FELT

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

I MATTERED

NOT A NOTCH 

ON A BELT

HE LOOKED 

INTO MY EYES 

AND SAW 

THE ESSENCE 

OF BEATEN DOWN 

AND BULLIED

ACQUIESCENCE

COULD I SAY

WHAT'S ON MY MIND

WITHOUT A SHUSHING

OR A SHOUT

DID I SUDDENLY

HAVE FREEDOM

DID I SUDDENLY 

HAVE CLOUT

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

AND I DANCED

IN HIS ARMS

HE WAS FAMOUS

AND I WAS 

NOT WITHOUT 

MY CHARMS

COULD I

HOLD ON TO

FEELING

THAT I HAD A VOICE

OR LOSE THE SPARK

HE FOUND IN ME

DID I EVEN HAVE

A CHOICE

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

HE LISTENED 

HE CALLED ME 

GOOPHER

HE LISTENED 

Barrymore & Mary in Beau Brummel.png

“That's Not Me, That's Him” — John Barrymore sets Ed straight about the game — and the price — of fame.

5. That's Not Me, That's Him - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryMax Crumm, Michael Garin
00:00 / 03:13

ED
YOU’RE THE BIGGEST STAR

BARRYMORE
I’M A PACK OF SMOKES

ED
FOR THE COGNOSCENTI

BARRYMORE
AND THE COMMON FOLKS

ED
YOU REIGN SUPREME
ON SCREEN AND STAGE

BARRYMORE
AND WHEN THEY’RE DONE WITH ME
THEY’LL TURN THE PAGE

ED
THE CROWDS GO WILD

BARRYMORE
I’M A TOOTHPASTE TUBE

ED
YOU’RE WORLD RENOWNED
BARRYMORE
I’M A SUGAR CUBE

ED
I DON’T GET IT

BARRYMORE
I DON’T CARE

ED
WHAT AM I MISSING

BARRYMORE
THAT’S NOT ME UP THERE

THAT’S NOT ME
THAT’S HIM
FOREVER HANDSOME
YOUTHFUL AND SLIM
MY ROD AND STAFF
MY OTHER HALF
THE ONE WHO GETS
THE GIRL AND
GETS THE LAUGH
BACK IN THE HOTEL
WITH A BOTTLE OF RYE
WISHING I COULD GROW UP
TO BE THAT GUY
UNTIL THE FOOTLIGHTS SLOWLY DIM
THAT’S NOT ME
THAT’S HIM

ED
BUT I THOUGHT

BARRYMORE
AS WELL YOU SHOULD

ED
YOU’D BE HAPPY

BARRYMORE
I WOULD IF I COULD

ED
ALL THE ADORATION AND SUCCESS

BARRYMORE
HOW’D I END UP SUCH A BLOODY MESS

ED
THE WORLD WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE YOU

BARRYMORE
SELLING THE SWAMP IS WHAT WE DO

ED
I DON’T GET IT

BARRYMORE
I DON’T CARE

ED
AM I REALLY THAT NAIVE

BARRYMORE
LOOK THERE’S NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE

THAT’S NOT ME
THAT’S HIM
FOREVER HANDSOME
YOUTHFUL AND SLIM
MY ROD AND STAFF
MY OTHER HALF
THE ONE WHO GETS
THE GIRL AND
GETS THE LAUGH
THE SWASHBUCKLING FELLA
AS THE ARMADA SAILS
BUT ELSEWHERE ALONE
MY LIVER FAILS
UNTIL THE FOOTLIGHTS SLOWLY DIM
THAT’S NOT ME
THAT’S HIM

Barrymore SOB.jpg

"Just Below the Title" — Mary explains to Ed why she never sought superstardom. 

6. Just Below The Title - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryKate Baldwin
00:00 / 02:40

MARY

STARDOM COMES WITH WINGS OF WAX
AS ICARUS WOULD SAY
HE FELL FLAT
WITH A BIG KERSPLAT
FOR ME THERE'S A BETTER WAY

 

WATCH THE HERO
AND HIS LOVER DOOMED
AIDA ENDS
WHEN SHE'S ENTOMBED
I PREFER THE SECOND FIDDLE
SLEEPING HER WAY
TO THE MIDDLE

JUST BELOW THE TITLE
IS A COOL AND SHADY SPOT
A PLACE TO SIP SOME SWEET ICED TEA
WHEN THE WEATHER GETS TOO HOT

JUST BELOW THE TITLE
IS A PICNIC IN THE PARK
A RENTED FUR
AN AISLE SEAT
AND A DOG THAT DOESN'T BARK

PLAY THE BEST FRIEND
WHO'S A MURDERER
MARY WHO
I THINK I HEARD A' HER
LET THE BIG SHOTS
ROLL THE DICE

PLAY THE NEIGHBOR
A WANTON SIREN
BEWARE THE FLASHBULBS
YOU'RE ADMIRIN'
MOVIE STARS CAN FLOP
JUST ONCE
MAYBE TWICE

JUST BELOW THE TITLE
YOU'RE THE GUEST
BUT NOT THE HOST
A SWELL CORSAGE
SOME BADINAGE
AND THEN
CAVIAR AND TOAST

JUST BELOW THE TITLE
EQUALS STEADY WORK
SOME PEACE OF MIND
OF A HOLLYWOOD KIND
THAT'S MY FAVORITE PERK

WHAT A COMFORT
FOR MY CREATURING
MY NAME FOLLOWS
ALSO FEATURING

JUST BELOW THE TITLE
FROM WHENCE I'LL NEVER ROAM
JUST BELOW THE TITLE
IS MY HOME

Mary and papparazzi.jpg

“The Hays Office Tango (When I Make Hollywood Crawl)” — One of the important components of Mary's real-life story is the emergence of the Hays Office and its "Motion Picture Production Code." It is the carburetor that fuels a significant portion of the scandal.

7. When I Make Hollywood Crawl - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryEdward Juvier
00:00 / 02:52

HAYS

(Reciting from memory)

 

“No picture shall be produced that will lower the moral standards of those who see it. Hence the sympathy of the audience should never be thrown to the side of crime, wrongdoing, evil, or sin.” And more to the point — Pictures shall not infer that low forms of sex relationship are the accepted or common thing.”

MARY

Well, for starters, it’s imply, not infer. God, that drives me crazy.

HAYS

A STINKING PIT OF LUST
THAT MUST BE BUSTED
THIS VERY TYPE OF ODIUM
TURNED LOT’S WIFE INTO SODIUM

MARY

(interrupting)

Sodium chloride. Jesus!

HAYS

Do you mind?

WHERE DECENCY
HAS QUICKLY TURNED TO MUSH
WHY DELILAH
AND JEZEBEL WOULD BLUSH

WHAT IS NEEDED
IS A GOOD GOD FEARING CLEANSER
WHAT IS NEEDED
IS A GOOD GOD FEARING CENSOR

YOU CAN’T SHOW IT
AND YOU CAN’T SAY IT
WITHOUT MY SAY SO
YOU CAN’T DISPLAY IT

ALL YOUR PICTURES WILL SPUTTER AND STALL
WHEN I MAKE HOLLYWOOD CRAWL

NO BAD GIRL VIXEN
AND NO RACE MIXIN’
HUSBANDS AND WIVES
IN SEPARATE BEDS

YOU WILL HEED MORALITY’S CALL
WHEN I MAKE HOLLYWOOD CRAWL

I’M THE SHERIFF
I’M THE LAW
MY WORD YOU CAN’T REFUSE
I’M WILLIAM HARRISON HAYS
AND I DON’T TAKE ORDERS FROM JEWS

THIS HOLLYWOOD
THIS DEN OF SIN
NEEDS A HOOSIER LIKE ME
TO REIN IT IN

THIS FESTERING MESS
IS UNTENABLE
AND I WAS ONCE
POSTMASTER GENERAL

WITH CALVINIST GLEE
I’LL DO IT FOR FREE
WATCHING THE EMPIRE FALL
WHEN I MAKE HOLLYWOOD CRAWL

(spoken)

Get on your knees! (But not in the sexy way!)

Goldwyn & Headlines.PNG

"Why Did I Write It All Down" — A counterpoint trio (with chorus) sung by Mary, gossip columnist Florabel Muir ("What a Story, What a Break") and Sam Goldwyn ("Vay Iz Mir")

8. Why Did I Write It All Down (Trio) - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryKate Baldwin, Mardie Millit, Michael Garin, Edward Juvier
00:00 / 04:19

FLORABEL

WHAT A STORY
WHAT A BREAK
PURPLE INK AND
PURPLE PROSE

THIS IS CAVIAR
AND STEAK
AND IT SMELLS
JUST LIKE A ROSE

THE PUBLIC
WILL BE CLAMORING
FOR LURID DETAILS
AND THAT TRANSLATES
INTO BOFFO SALES
NEWSPAPERS MAGAZINES
RADIO AND BOOKS
A FORTUNE MADE
ON THE MISFORTUNE
OF SCHNOOKS

FAMOUS PEOPLE
SCREWING UP IS
MONEY IN THE BANK
A PURPLE PASSION DIARY
AND FAR TOO MANY TO THANK
A SCANDAL MEANS
OUR JOBS ARE SAFE
FOR US THERE
IS NO EQUAL
BLESS YOU MARY ASTOR
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
A SEQUEL

MARY

WHY DID I DO IT
WHY DID I WRITE IT ALL DOWN
WHAT WAS I THINKING
NOW IT’S ALL OVER TOWN

THE END OF THE WORLD
WITH A SPLASH OF VERMOUTH
A PENALTY FITTING
FOR TELLING THE TRUTH

THE MUSINGS I THOUGHT WERE MY OWN
ARE THE LEAD ON MOVIETONE

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
BURNED THE THING WHEN I COULD
KEROSENE
AND THEN IT’S COOKED FOR GOOD

FOR A GUY
A DIFFERENT GAME IS PLAYED
IT’S A BOX OF CIGARS
AND A BIG PARADE

I’M NOT A LILITH
AND I’M NOT A CLOWN
SO WHY DID I DO IT
WHY DID I WRITE IT ALL DOWN

CHORUS

WHY DID SHE DO IT
WHY DID SHE WRITE IT ALL DOWN
SHE’S NOT A LILITH
AND SHE’S NOT A CLOWN

MARY

AND NOW IT STINKS
AND NOW IT FLOATS
IT SERVES ME RIGHT
FOR TAKING NOTES

MARY AND CHORUS

WHY DID I/SHE DO IT
WHY DID I/SHE WRITE IT ALL DOWN

GOLDWYN


VAY IZ MIR
OY VAY IZ MIR
I WISH THE
COSSACKS
INSTEAD WERE HERE
WHAT IF ONE OF OUR
LEADING MEN
SCHTUPS LIKE
A FAIGELE
FROM THE CHORUS
IF THAT'S IN
THE DIARY
HEAVEN HELP US
WE'RE AUF TSORIS

VAY IZ MIR
OY VAY IZ MIR
WE'LL BE SITTING SHIVA
TILL THE COAST IS CLEAR
WITH WHAT WE PAY THE GOVERNOR
THAT SHOULD STACK THE DECK
HANDLE THE SCANDAL ALREADY
AND GET OUTTA HERE
WITH THIS DRECK

Mary Scorecard.jpg

"Leading Ladies" — Mary's unlikely ally, her Dodsworth co-star Ruth Chatterton, gives her a pep talk before she testifies in court. 

9. Leading Ladies - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryKate Baldwin, Mardie Millit
00:00 / 02:44

RUTH

IF WE'RE MATING
AND BREEDING
AND THEN CONCEDING
ALL THAT'S LEFT
IS A TALENT TO AMUSE
BUT WHEN WE GALS
STICK TOGETHER
DARLING WE CAN'T LOSE

 

THERE ARE
PUNCHES WE THROW
WITH OUR BRAINS
OUR WORDS ARE
A KICK IN THE PANTS
SO WHY WHEN A GENTLEMAN'S
INTEREST WANES
DO WE GO COQUETTISH
AND DANCE

ALL IT TAKES
TO SMASH
THIS DISPARITY
IS SOME
ESTROGEN FUELED
SOLIDARITY

LEADING LADIES
LADIES LEADING
SHOULDER PAD TO
SHOULDER PAD
SHOWING SOME FIGHT
THEY GOT THE SIZE
BUT WE GOT THE PRIZE
AND I THINK THE
PRAYING MANTIS
GOT IT JUST ABOUT RIGHT

MARY

LEADING LADIES
LADIES LEADING
LEANING ON EACH OTHER
IS WHAT FELLAS DREAD
IF WE GET 'EM BLINKING
WE GET 'EM THINKING
WITH THE WRONG SIZED HEAD

RUTH

ACT THE PART
THAT SETS YOU FREE
BE THE ONE THEY
WANT YOU TO BE

MARY

BY THE TIME THEY
FIGURE A
TRAPS BEEN SET
YOU GET A DRY MARTINI
AND THEY'RE SOAKING WET

RUTH

THE BIGGER THE BLUSTER
THE FULLER THE NAPPY
ASK GENERAL CUSTER
IF HE'S FEELING HAPPY
THEY WANT US HELPLESS
AND SIGHING

 

(Ruth sighs exaggeratedly)

SERVE IT UP
WITH A SIDE OF LYING

RUTH

(spoken)

 Try it.

 

MARY

What, sighing?

 

RUTH

Yeah.

 

MARY

(sighs affectedly)

 

RUTH

Needs work.

 

MARY

Well, it’s right in my passaggio.

 

RUTH

(sung)


LEADING LADIES
LADIES LEADING

MARY

WHITHER THOU GOEST RUTH
I WILL FOLLOW

RUTH

NO SELF PITY
NO NEED TO WALLOW

MARY

HOW MUCH HOLLYWOOD
CAN ONE GAL SWALLOW

 

RUTH

(spoken)

I'm not touching that one.

 

BOTH


LEADING LADIES
LADIES LEADING
REVERSING THE WAGES OF SIN
LEADING LADIES
LADIES LEADING

BOTH

DAMN IT KID
LET'S WIN

Mary on the Stand.jpg

"So I Draw Her" — Called to the stand in the Courtroom Outside Time & Space, Ed is ordered to explain his "personal" drawings of Mary. 

10. So I Draw Her - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryMax Crumm
00:00 / 02:48

ED

DAMN IT
I DONT HAVE TO DO THIS
I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN
FROM THE FUTURE AND
I'M BEYOND YOUR JURISDICTION 
BECAUSE THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS
HAS RUN OUT
RETROACTIVELY
BACKWARDS

A BEAM OF LIGHT
FROM A PROJECTION BOOTH
BECOMES A MAGIC HIGHWAY
AND THE CIGARETTE SMOKE
TRAVELS FREELY
LIKE IT'S ON THE PULASKY SKYWAY
AND ALL YOU NEED IS POPCORN
AND A CHOCOLATE CANDY BAR
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT
DON'T YOU KNOW IT
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOU ARE

SO I DRAW HER
WHEN SHE KILLS A MAN
FOR A BIRD
I DRAW HER
IN A PALM BEACH
STORY ABSURD

THE RELUCTANT WINNER

WHERE THOUSANDS TRY
WITH THAT KINDA LUCK
YOU'D THINK
SHE'D FIND THE RIGHT GUY
IF ONLY HE SAW HER

SO I DRAW HER
PLAYING A MOTHER
PLAYING A VAMP
SO I DRAW HER
AND WHILE THE
CANVAS IS STILL DAMP

I WONDER IF THAT
LITTLE GIRL
WHO SOUGHT
ANOTHER'S FATE
WOULD KINDA LIKE
A GUY LIKE ME
WHO'S THIRTY YEARS
TOO LATE

AND WHEN THE DRAWING'S DONE
BY CANDLELIGHT AND WINE
THERE'S A PART OF HER
THAT FOREVER WILL BE MINE
I DRAW HER

Astor nude.jpg

"Georgie S.," a/k/a "The Algonquin Round Table Dick Joke Song" — Does what it says on the tin. 

11. Georgie S. - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryEdward Juvier, Mardie Millit, Michael Garin
00:00 / 02:58

WOOLLCOTT

UPON WHAT MEAT
DOTH THIS OUR GEORGIE FEED
THAT HE HAS GROWN SO FESTIVE

FERBER

HEBRAICALLY BESPECTACLED
AND SPORTING HARRIS TWEED
YET ROMANTICALLY SOMEWHAT RESTIVE

HART

HE CAN FIX A SECOND ACT
WITH WISDOM AND WITH TACT
A GIFT TO HIM
THE HEAVENS DID BEQUEATH

PARKER

AND THE GODS DID NOT STOP THERE
FOR LIFE IS RARELY FAIR
HE’S GOT A SWORD
THAT DOTH EXCEED HIS SHEATH…

WOOLLCOTT, FERBER & HART

(echoing in harmony)

EXCEED HIS SHEATH…

WOOLLCOTT

GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.
HAS FOUND HIMSELF THE SUBJECT
OF AN AWFUL MESS

HART

IT SEEMS HE WON A RIBBON
FOR HIS GREAT ROMANCING
AND BOFFO REVIEWS
FOR HORIZONTAL DANCING

ALL FOUR

GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.

HART & WOOLLCOTT

THERE’S BIT OF ENVY
THAT WE MUST CONFESS

FERBER & PARKER

CATHERINE THE GREAT
WOULD MARSHAL HER FORCES
TO MEET THE MAN WHO IMITATES
HER FAVORITE HORSES

WOOLLCOTT

WHO LADY GODIVA
HERSELF ENDORSES

ALL FOUR

THAT’S OUR GEORGIE S.
 

GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.

PARKER


BENEFICIARY
OF GREAT LARGESSE

WOOLLCOTT

BESTOWED BY HIGHER POWERS
WITH GIFTS LIKE THIS

FERBER

AND TO KEEP IT IN PERSPECTIVE
HE HAD A BRIS

ALL FOUR

GEORGIE S.
GEORGIE S.

PARKER


AN ANTHROPOMORPHIZED
HYDRAULIC PRESS

WOOLLCOTT

THE WEDDING OF THE MEMBERS
IS ALL THE NEWS

FERBER

AND SOMEWHERE DON GIOVANNI
IS SINGING THE BLUES

HART

AND ZOLA WISHES LADIES
SAID TO HIM “J'ACUSSE”

ALL FOUR

THAT’S OUR GEORGIE S.


PARKER

(spoken)

 

Mr. Kaufman can’t see you now…

WOOLLCOTT

Why not?

PARKER

He’s otherwise engorged!

 

HART

I heard he got stopped by the police!

 

FERBER

Was it a moving violation?

 

HART

It was highway throbbery!

 

HART
(sung)


HE CAN WRITE A PLAY
THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH LIKE HELL

WOOLLCOTT

BUT IT SEEMS HE’S GOT A CLAPPER
THAT’S TOO BIG FOR HIS BELL

ALL FOUR 


A WIT
A SCHOLAR
AN ALL AROUND SWELL

THAT’S OUR GEORGIE
THAT’S OUR GEORGIE
THAT’S OUR
GEORGIE S.

 

PARKER

(spoken)

The “S” is for IN-SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSATIABLE!

Mary & George in Bed.PNG

"Find Your Light" — Mary has figured out what Ed really "has to know."

12. Find Your Light - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryKate Baldwin
00:00 / 03:13

MARY

I'D LIKE TO SPEAK
TO THE MANAGER
OF YOU
IS IT YOU
OR SOME
MAGICAL ELVES

 

WHO MAKES THE SCHEDULE
AND ORDERS THE GOODS
IS THE FAULT
IN YOUR STARS
OR ON YOUR SHELVES

 

WHO CALLS THE SHOTS
YEA OR NAY
IF IT'S YOU
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY

FIND YOUR LIGHT
STEP INTO IT
AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE SEEN
FIND YOUR LIGHT
GET INTO IT
THERE IS NO
IN BETWEEN

 

HIDING IN THE SHADOWS
BRINGS DARKNESS AND PAIN
THE LIGHT YOU SEE
CAN SET YOU FREE
UNLESS IT'S AN
ONCOMING TRAIN

FIND YOUR LIGHT
ADD COLOR
AND WATCH YOUR
GARDEN GROW
DANCING IN THE DARK
IS HOW YOU
STUB YOUR TOE

 

EACH AND EVERY
ONE OF US
STRIVE TO GET IT RIGHT
SO STEP UP
AND FIND YOUR LIGHT

REMEMBER LITTLE EDDIE
HIS SHIRT BOARD
FILLED WITH DREAMS
DRAWING UP A PLAN TO
SET YOU FREE

 

THEDA BARA
CLARA BOW
IN YOUR NOTEBOOK
ON THE GO

TO SING A SONG
ABOUT DRAWING ME

FIND YOUR LIGHT
IT'S YOURS TO KEEP
AND ALSO YOURS
TO SHARE
FIND YOUR LIGHT
AND SHINEIT EVERYWHERE

 

WOULD YOU RATHER
BE DIM
OR BRIGHT
LET YOUR MUSE
TAKE FLIGHT
STAKE YOUR CLAIM
AND
FIND YOUR LIGHT

 

IF YA GOTTA BE
A LUMP OF COAL
MAKE IT ANTHRACITE
SO STEP UP

AND FIND YOUR LIGHT

SO STEP UP

AND FIND YOUR LIGHT

Mary Silhouette.PNG

"Puzzles Missing Pieces" — Ed and Mary's farewell duet. 

13. Puzzles Missing Pieces - Mary Astor's Purple DiaryKate Baldwin, Max Crumm
00:00 / 01:46

ED:

 

THIS IS WHO I WAS WHEN I FOUND YOU

WHEN I FOUND YOU IN THE MIRROR

AND THE SUN

NEWSPAPERS UNDER MY LINOLEUM

 

MARY:

 

WHAT FUN

 

AND THIS IS WHO I WAS

WHEN YOU FOUND ME

A SORT OF DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

 

ED

WHEN A DASHING YOUNG MAN

CROSSES TIME AND SPACE

MARY:

YEAH

MORE OR LESS

BOTH:

PUZZLES MISSING PIECES

MILES AND DECADES BETWEEN

ONE WITH A PEN

ONE WITH A PICTURE

BOTH IN A MAGAZINE

THE LIFE WE GET

AND THE LIFE WE WANT

RARELY IF EVER ALIGN

DOES FREE WILL EQUAL DESTINY

MARY

DOES DESTINY EQUAL DESIGN

BOTH

A KITCHEN FLOOR WAS OPENED

FOR VALENTINES AND FRIENDS

BOTH AND CHORUS:

AND THAT’S HOW ED MET MARY

AND THAT'S HOW OUR STORY ENDS

Ed and Flying Mary.PNG
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